Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
all i really want...
i am in this huge "i want, i want, i want" mood. so here is a list of the things i really want.
1. ipad <3 <3 <3
2. more new scrubs-especially the 4 i have picked out
3. my pink nano-which i am getting but hasn't yet made it to the apple EPP website yet.
4. more pretty panties from VS
5. more new clothes- especially the green dress i should've bought, the reversible vest, and some boots.
6. a Brazilian blowout
7. eyelash extensions
8. botox for my forehead wrinkles.
i was 12 when i got my first pubic hair and my boobs begin to grow. i was 14 when i finally got a period. most girls lived for these days, but i dreaded them. i didn't want to go into puberty because i didn't want to deal with my reproductive system. my whole life has been a relatively healthy one. i am lucky that way. but it seems like every time something does go wrong, it goes wrong, "down there." i told my mom when i was age five, "i would rather have puppies than babies." mom thought i was considering giving birth to puppies and made sure i was aware that i could only give birth to humans. i said, "i know mama. i am going to have a field of puppies. all different kinds. i would be happier that way."
my last boyfriend left me. he said he knew that i wasn't right for him because i didn't want children and "quite frankly i doubt you can get pregnant anyway." i guess there is that possibility that i am infertile. maybe that is what extinguishes my desire to procreate. perhaps it was because he was damaged and i couldn't imagine him being the father of my children. instead, i spent many hours thinking...he wants kids. he is going to talk me into it. then he is going to leave and i am going to be stuck being a single mom. i am quite sure, 5 years later, this is still the case with him. he doesn't know how to love anyone else but himself. he is the center of his universe.
today, i had to take out my copper IUD. i have gained 12 pounds in two months and no one (aside from my wise friends and family) accepts that the IUD had anything to do with it because "it isn't hormone based." it made me depressed to take it out. my body rejects everything...contact lenses, pollen, foods, and iuds. i feel like my body also rejects children....or whatever is revolving around them. in the past 2 months i have been to PP 7 times. i guess you could surmise i am a PP junkie or frequent flyer. I went in for a simple STD screen for my new boyfriend and came out with HPV. I went in for a culposcopy and got my period on the table. I went back in for a culpo and then back in two times for an IUD because the first time they lost my chart and forgot about me. Now, i went back to take it out because it gave me 12 extra pounds, cramps to high hell, and a period for two months. i feel like a failure. i feel like my body fails at anything female related. and i am angry at him. furious maybe. mostly because he doesn't have to deal with one iota of this mess. he gets free fucking out of this deal. i got residual cramps that even 1000mg of advil didn't cure. he hasn't spent 3 or 4 hours at a time waiting for the PP clinicians to see him. he doesn't have to take plan B or the pill. he doesn't have sore boobs or raging emotions. he just gets to fuck me freely, without repercussions.
i hate my reproductive system. i hate being female. i hate being responsible for situations. i hate the fact that i don't want kids and yet my entire world revolves around avoiding having them. i don't want to be stuck in this gender. and thus, i am considering permanently altering my body so i cannot accidentally get pregnant and so that i too, can finally fuck freely without the weekly trips to PP to deal with the consequences.
It has been a long time since i have posted here on lj but what better time to post then when i need to tell the universe something.
it is my intention to stay in san diego and live in my new condo in oceanside this summer 2010. i intend to be hired into the summer 2010 UCSD new graduate nursing program. I am clearly stating that a job at UCSD is what I want so that I can stay in San Diego. however, if there is a better opportunity for me at Cedar's Sinai, please let that door open for me as well. I only intend to be offered jobs at both UCSD and Cedar's and given the choice to choose as to which one is the best fit for my life. Please notice that the following people have signed this petition in agreement to this job intention. On a side note, universe, please let this relationship with Sean grow into something beautiful, powerful, and loving. It is my intention to be loved and return the love equally. Perhaps you think this is a lot of me to ask in one letter, but I have been diligently working towards this position for five years and I have been healing from my last relationship that long too. I have arrived, universe. I am here. And I am deserving of good things, amazing job opportunities, and love.
it is the wee hours of the morning on thanksgiving. it has been raining all night. loud, hard pulsating rain. it whipped through my window and wet my chemistry book. it excited me for a moment. the thrill of the lack of control. i wanted it to take me in its arms and move my body to the rhythm. i wanted it to moisten my skin, caress my face, and penetrate my body. i wanted it to chill my bones and make me feel every neuron in my body.
it is thanksgiving. in the wee hours of the morning. my cat is laying in the crook of my arm, snoring. he gracefully gets up, stretches, and moves to lay on my legs. his warmth, his whispers, his little grunts make me feel alive. these two are the loves my life. i love them with every fiber of my body. maybe i am not made for motherhood with humans...but i am sure made for it with animals.
it is thanksgiving morning. in the wee hours...and i think to myself what exactly am i thankful for this year? where am i in life right now? i spent half the week stressing about school, feeling guilty because i cannot go home. what is good in my life right now?
i went through and read my journal up to a year ago. a year ago i was stressing over applications to nursing school. i thought i was stuck in my horrible job. i was nervous and frustrated.
what i am thankful for is this:
getting into 3 of the 4 schools i applied to.
working my ass off and getting at the least a 3.5 this semester.
meeting people in my program and being able to get along with everyone but evil megan.
knowing there is someone out there that, although totally unavailable to me now, gets me, makes me laugh, and looks super sexy in glasses. i feel like it is rare you meet someone who is smart, funny, attractive, and not a complete dick.
and though the universe has yet to align our stars, it is a nice feeling having him in my daily life.
i am thankful for my family who has gone to the ends of the earth for me...especially this year during nursing school. my sister and her husband helping me get a condo and finding a way to invest my money. my mom, who although i know it killed her to say, "it is o.k. if you don't come home because you have finals around the corner. i don't want to add stress to your life..." said it anyway, knowing that i was panicked about her visiting me 2 weeks before finals.
i am thankful for friends, who call me just to see how my test went, who send me good-luck wishes, who don't hate me when i have to study, and who are there when i wanna finally break the mold and go out.
i am thankful for a car, that just was said to be in perfect condition *knocks on wood.*
for my friends at school such as pat, nicole, sarah, erin, katie, shannon, stacey, kristine and angela. i am thankful to have them there when i sit in the hall and cry over nutrition, or stress about tests. i don't know where i would be without stacey sending me articles and emailing daily to see how i am doing. for angela, who constantly says, "stop stressing! it is a test. you will do fine." for nicole, who sat in the hall on the day of my breakdown, and told me how much she felt like crying too. to kristine, who told me that she wanted to deck my teacher for being such an asshole. and for her advise on how to fix that. and for pat...for amusing me everyday in class..because ichat in class is the best way to pass time :)
it is almost 2 a.m. in the wee hours of thanksgiving day...
i am thankful for being let go 3 years ago. for being allowed to be me...live my life...to become this person. it was the hardest thing i have ever been through. it was the worst year of my life. but i am here now. i have arrived. and i am thankful.
From the Deepest Frustrations of My Heart
So I am taking this Ethics class for Nursing school. The class gives us really grey area cases and we are supposed to use principle ethics from socrates and plato to make a determination. For instance, a man has Hiv, is getting married, and does not want to tell his fiancee he is infected. Does the doctor tell her anyway? Now, in my heart I want to say, "of course he does!" but when you weigh out the ethical issues, he really has no right to give that information to her. This is all being said to show you how serious I feel about gay marriages. Really, honestly people, I don't care what your Christian bible says about this or that or how you or your church interprets it. As far as I know, our Constitution and a part of being an American is believing in it, states there HAS to be a separation of church and state because ultimately Christianity does not rule the U.S. I grew up a devout Catholic. I went to church 3 or 4 days a week. I also was a History major. I know my Bible pretty damn well. And from what I know of the Bible is that it is a really badly outdated book. If you REALLY look at the Bible as a guide, you will see that divorce was not accepted. Women had no power. People "owned", beat, and raped women without any second thoughts. Over the last 250 years we have constantly changed what we feel is right and wrong. Black people and women were fighting the same battles that gay people are fighting today. Go outside and yell at the top of your lungs that you hate black people. Call them the N word. See how far that gets you. It is NOT accepted in our society to mistreat people that way. But it IS o.k. for us to turn around and tell gay people that they don't count? They count in terms of income, as tax payers, voters, vehicle drivers, citizens. They just don't count in LOVE? Say what you will about them not knowing what love is or they are confused or whatever. What I know is that love is KIND and love is acceptance and love is colorblind and genderblind. If you think that people are unable to establish this union because it is not real love between two people of the same gender, then do you really love your sister or your brother or your mother or your father? because chances are at least some of them are the same gender you are. Gay marriage is not taking away from your own vows. It has nothing to do with your vows. If you say your vows and believe they mean something, how is that any different from two other people saying their vows? If you say vows, I say vows, and then I get divorced...does that do anything to your own vows? We are in the same place we were back in the sixties when interracial relationships came about and people freaked out. How could a black man marry or love a white woman? Love is love, is love, is love. People who really get to me are the god damn Christians that sit there like they are high and mighty. "I go to church and I believe this and that, THEREFORE IT IS MY RIGHT TO JUDGE EVERYONE ELSE." I know this is not ALL christians. In fact there are a lot of christians that are not this way. Generalizing would just be ignorant of me. But there are those christians that they because they show up to church every sunday they have a God given right to hate on everyone else. In all the time I spent in church the one thing I took away from it was this, "Beloved, let us love one another. For he/she who loves knows God, for God is Love." How can you spend so much time hating everyone and call yourself a Christian? If you REALLY hear God's word you would hear that HIS BIGGEST message is TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. And that means ALL your neighbors. Gay or straight, black or white, asian or mexican, woman or man. It does not say anywhere love only the people who think like you do. Acceptance and love. How can we sit here and allow other people to scare us into thinking that suddenly our kids will be taught about gay marriage in schools? How can we sit here and DENY someone their constitutional rights and turn around and say we are PROUD to be AMERICANS? America was build on the notion that perhaps the King's religion was not for everyone. America was founded by people who took risks, who believed in CHANGE, who believed there had to be a better way of doing things. We nominated the most unlikely candidate to change things, to provide us with a better future, and we turn around in the same moment and deny someone else their constitutional rights? Listen to me people, in my 33 years of life there is but one thing I can honestly say that i know. Loving people and surrounding yourself with love is the only way to make it in this world. Haters, gay bashers, conservative assholes that think your ways is the ONLY way, you just wait till your dead ass is at the gates of heaven and you stop and think to yourself, "what was MY life about? Did I do the best I could? Did I love enough?" and when you find that you cannot decide if you have or you know you have not, you tell me then what YOUR god will think of you. Ask yourself every damn day, "did I love enough?" before you turn around and take another civil right away from someone else just because they LOVE.
Mood: fuck you prop 8 haters
updated on meeee
so many entries are just a vent to get stuff off my chest. today, i just feel grateful for my life. i am so happy to be back home by 8:15 a.m. I had jury duty but was excused due to nursing school. I realized something wonderful today. This is where I am supposed to be. So much of the last 5 years has about getting somewhere. Feeling frustrated about where I was. Not wanting to do what I was doing anymore. I am actually exactly where I want to be. I am not yet ready to just walk into a hospital. I am ready to prepare for it though. I was at a point where I just could barely get my ass out of bed to get to work. It was a mental and physical effort to drag my ass up and out of bed in the morning. I hated most of my days at work. I was at my point in life where as long as there was nothing dramatic at work, I considered it an o.k. day. My mom would say, "how was work?" and I would say, "same as usual." and that, for me, was a good day. i felt like my life was in black and white. i was drugging along wondering how the hell i was going to continue on for the next 50 years of life. How wonderful to feel like my black and white life is being colorized. I feel like I am in Pleasantville and as I wander around, the flowers are turning pink right before my eyes. I am in love with the fact that I have arrived. They talked about that a lot this summer during the Olympics. Michael Phelps has arrived. Nastia Liukin is at the top of her game. This is the moment we have all waited for. Each birthday I go through a list of 10 goals for the year. I have not done that this year. So in the spirit of the Olympics and the fact that I have arrived, I am going to narrow things down to 3 goals. Gold, Silver, and Bronze.
Gold Medal Goal: Lose 20 pounds and keep it off with the help of my warm, kind, wonderful trainer Bernard.
Silver Medal Goal: Maintain my high/solid G.P.A. so that I am chosen for the 20,000 dollar loan forgiveness program
Bronze Medal Goal: Be on the market and available to wonderful, kind, warm, intelligent, not crazy, sweet men.
It sounds trite...i want good grades, a great body, and a man. But really, without being trivial...i have been literally working my ass off in the gym. 5 or 6 days a week. A hour and a half at a time. I mean business. I have changed my diet, started cooking, stopped drinking soda (my biggest challenge) When I put my mind to it, I mean it.
As for the school thing. I know I am smart and capable of doing well. I just want the universe to reward me with fortune because I do not want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I deserve to shine and be debt free.
And the man. Well, folks, it has been five years of be hiding behind my school. I am too busy. I am too dedicated. I am too tired. I am not pretty enough. whatever the reason is i was giving, it was just a protective shell. Eric has probably been the reason for me seeing this. I realize, i could manage it all. I want to be available. Being wanted by someone is a wonderful feeling. Being rejected is worse. But i cannot hide behind my fear of rejection and miss out on the feelings of love and companionship.
So...there you have it. I am here. I am open to all possibilities of good fortune.
thoughts on a saturday morning
it is grey outside. it is supposed to hit 80 today, but it sure does not feel like it is going to happen. instead, it feels like the type of day you just get in your closet, lay down in bed, and sleep till the cows come home. i don't have an agenda today. i just know that i am getting a pedicure with jenny. i am hopeful of a blended strawberry margarita being a part of my day too. this past month has been a whirlwind of goodness. but to be completely honest, i am completely exhausted. i really have not been this drained in a long time.
the last week of june I was in new york. although, and amazing experience, it was a lot of walking and a lot of humidity. it was not really a vacation in the true sense of the word. at the time i was in summer school too and had taken a midterm moments before rushing off to the airport for new york.
then the first week of july was my birthday. this of course, is always a major production in my world because i love my birthday. i was hanging out on the forth at the beach. then we were bowling and dining for my birthday night. then a birthday breakfast in the morning the day after. the whole weekend, i had barely any time to study for yet, another summer school midterm. but i did not care. i just wanted to celebrate.
then this past week...i think it is this last week that has really sent me over the edge in energy reserves. i had my lovely family in town from friday till tuesday. this, is always my favorite thing to do. we hung out at the pool or beach for five straight days. i was relaxed, tanned, and really tired from just having so much sun and exercise time. plus, i was studying for a final....AND there was the release of the hellish IPHONE 3G. honestly, if i could quit my job right now, i would. i hate the iphone. i hate that every phone call i get is, "do you have the iphone? when do you think you will get it?" ugh. my fam was here and they rescued me from the onslaught for a few days. but, that magic has worn off and I am back in work hell. there is NOTHING i want to do more than call out sick for like the next two months. i have to admit that i am completely completely worn out and I had a few days off. i feel so badly for the folks that have worked something like 16 days in a row. i feel like i have no reason to complain because i missed the worst weekend in the world. but i want to say that i really think we all deserve two paychecks..one from apple and one from att,
anyway, i am not going to do anything today, as a result of this month. but the good news is, i am going to nursing school at san marcos...i don't have to move, i don't have to be in debt, i don't have to leave behind the life i love here in san diego. i am excited about opportunity. i just need to sleep for a few weeks before it all begins!
Commitment to the Universe and Myself
I am writing this petition to the universe because i am need of your help.
I am the best candidate to receive a minimum of $20,000 from the NYU College of Nursing to cover my tuition and beyond. In addition, I am willing to accept other money from other sources so long as it is with good intentions behind it and no evil strings attached.
colleen and rosemary christensen
grandma and grandpa martini
stay home colleen!!
so, the universe has rudely told me to stay home today. this morning, i was dong a friend a favor by taking her to the airport. i dropped her off and this bitch blocked me into my spot with her suv. i politely honked..not lay on the horn..but a small beep to get her attention and said, "hey can i get out?" she proceeded to cuss at me and tell me i was rude. i resorted to, "fuck you you fucking whore. i hope you die." yeah. that was me. i cannot always be a nice person i guess. on my way home, i almost got in a car accident because i was beyond pissed at that lady and was not paying attention.
i stay home from 8:30 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. then i need to go out and send out important stuff in the mail and hit up target. on my way home..(again within blocks of my house like the previous almost accident) this dumb shit in ANOTHER SUV does not even look nor does he STOP at at stop sign and i swerved and honked and swerved more. what a fucking tool. so, i almost got hit twice today and thank god, only one of them would've been my fault. and thank god i am not hurt nor is my car. but, i am staying in the rest of tonight. my horoscope lied. what "good news" did i receive today? i am waiting....
one a.m. thoughts
it is 1:18 a.m. and i just had a wonderful day. so many of these journal entries are about anger, disappointment, sadness. so few are celebrations of what is good in the world of smalleen.
i sit in my favourite brown chair and i recap my day. i woke up at 10:30...rested. had some quiet time. talked to mom on the phone.
then i met up with lindsay to watch her performance of "stone soup." the basic premise...friendship and collaboration conquer fear. lindsay and i have had some stressful times in our friendship lately. she is often busy working two jobs. 80 hours...or with charlie. she is THAT girl that falls off earth when she get a bf. as i was walking downstairs to return to my seat...she says, "i love you." and i know that even though things have been akward...things are on track.
then, off to the movies with my favourite girls. jenny, leslie, lisa, sami, merry, and tracy. we see the 4:15 show of sex and the city. these are the girls (minus leslie) that i spent many a night with in jenny's apartment watching all the sex and the city episodes with. we would make food and meet every monday night. i look at the girls...all girls i know from jenny (except leslie..she is mine.) and we have changed so much in the past four and half years.
lisa-with jerry/not with jerry/working on a masters/graduation/with jerry/ not with jerry/single/with jason and going to be married we know
sami-single/dating bill/marrying bill/pregnant/baby jonah born
jenny-single/dating/with james/single/with gus/single/dating/with jeff/first trip to italy/heartbroken/becoming whole
merry-well i know merry less but merry definitely seems to have her job figured out and has great friends in her building now, and has a cute hairstyle and seems happy.
leslie-shy/quiet/reserved/naive/turns to/talkative/participating/margarita loving/fish taco eating/deep conversations in the car till 2a.m....lovely warm woman.
me-seaworld and starbucks/sea world and vet hospital/mark/mark/mark/drama/heartache/s
just like the worlds have changed and grown with the four ladies and their guys on satc...my life has changed. our lives have changed. and i could not have made it through or have done it any better without the love of my friends. these ladies were my family when we could not go home for thanksgiving, or easter, or new years. these ladies were there for birthdays, graduations, births, heartbreaks, celebrations. these ladies plus two other really important ladies, jewyl and rhonda, are my san diego family. when i was a newbie to san diego...i met a girl named jenny. she just happened to invite me to this satc night at her place. she happened to want me in her life. and because she did, i gained not only a friend, but a family. forever, my heart like carrie's with always have a love affair with san diego. and san diego is the 7th character to our own real life movie.
my petition part one
in the world of positive thinking and fully inspired by "eat, pray, love," i have constructed a mental petition of those who believe i should be admitted into nursing school this fall at nyu and national university. i have been picturing people coming up the petition to sign up and agree that i would be an awesome nurse, and that i have worked hard to be one.
here is how it looks so far. if you are reading this and you have people in your life that are nurses or medical types, or you think they would agree anyway, add them to the list.
mom alicia p.
kimberly alicia s.
jenny jewyl's mom owen elva jason lee candy dannon sami anna s.
jimmy bobbie rich carson troy caleb aaron becca lisa anna c.m.
mahelia amy robert parker krissy nick k. albert jesse mrs/mr. dunitz andre
jim sarah nick eric edgar nick b. cassie alex l. alli jenn c.
nancy rhonda lindsay mike ez peter sarah chris jonah leslie
connie mr. cadena mason chris jennifer rona mike andrew bill mike
jewyl mrs. cadena charlie jessica jody dan pete andrew b merry eric
michael polita greg todd dana erika dan leslie mary annie
gabe zee calvin melissa danh dr. sikorski heather jesse kristi joann
macky babak hobbs melissa regina dr. pigeon ida mindy laura matin
josh benji galaxy brianna jon drew nicole jim liam mike h.
marsha rich pixie cari paul enrique john kathleen lindsay w. monica
cody rich sadie chad daryl erin silas kenny marcy natalie
kyle trista brad christian tina eunice jacquie kim mark andrew
kyle betsy brandon adam deborah franco jane lukas mark ness
cory eric brandan damien derek graham jason leo bryan preston
cory josie brian dan dr, fan shawn jefe liesl justin raquel
ryan sade sean sean shannon shay sophia steph steph ronnie
suzanne susi thomley tim trisha viv jim tobey diana walt
all four passed away grandparents
back to bitching
so seattle u is out. they told me i am so far down the wait list it will probably take a miracle to get in.
cal st. san marcos..somehow expects me to take o. chem this summer when it is only offered from 5 to 10 p.m. and i cannot work my schedule around that.
and there there were two:
and...national....dear god please let me into one of them. otherwise my ass is going to be sitting around doing a whole lot of waiting for the next two years.
so those of you who are actually reading...please please thing positive thoughts that they accept me. i need to get out of my job this fall. sigh.
keeping it real
so, i always write and bitch. tonight i decided to just update what is going down in the life 'o colleen.
this weekend was HELLA busy. I was totally busy every minute of the weekend and i even was not able to make it to a party i really meant to be at. i am sorry, graham. but the weekend was productive and fun all in one.
what i am working on right now:
trying not to stress out about the fact that MAYBE i don't meet the chemistry requirement for Cal. St. San Marcos.
trying not to worry that I am not going to get into nursing school this fall.
trying to study for the TEAS and hopefully, i am going to do a lot better in person than i have been doing on the practice tests.
trying to decide if i should buy this AMAZING pair of glasses frames
or a new t.v.
or a new dresser
or a beach cruiser.
the problem is:
i don't know where the hell i am going to be living in a matter of OHHH 4 months.
thoughts on nursing schools:
Grossmont seemed to indicate i might be in for their fall semester. which would be 1. cheaper 2. it is a more reputable school and 3. i don't have to move.
downfall: i would get an A.S. not a B.S. which is exactly 25 cents an hour decrease. nothing but, unless i wanna be an N.P.
Seattle U.- waitlisted. not bad considering they only let in 80 people. not bad but 1. far away 2. blah weather 3. big move involved.
upside: 1. sister and her family live there 2. 10 men to 1 woman ratio. yep!!! gooo goo gadget MRS degree.
National: 18 mo. program...all my prereqs are done but sociology..which is cake, don't have to move, it is close (la jolla)
downfalls: expensive, not as much clinical time (i hear)
NYU-need i say more? it is NYU for peet's sake!
downfall? weather sucks, SUPER SUPER expensive, so so far away......but it would be the fastest way to a B.S.N. (15 mo.)
Cal St. San Marcos- It is a CSU so it has a good program, it is 17 mo. and NOT AT ALL expensive.
i might have to move, i might just drive. but at 4 bucks a gallon, i might move.
downfall?? well, mostly that they don't wanna accept my damn chemistry class. I am petitioning it. Keep your fingers crossed.
San Diego City- 5 blocks from home, brand new building being opened this fall, cheap and the lowest major disruption in my life.
downfall...i am on a damn 3 year waitlist. one year down....who knows...could it really be 2 years of waiting to go?
so there you have it.
2. Cal St. San Marcos
but really...i am about to be 33. i don't care anymore where i go. i just wanna start 4 months from now and get the hell on with it. so, i know almost no one (except alicia-thank u) comments on this but if you have any advise to offer me, i would appreciate your thoughts.
soooo one last thought of mine...my cat, calvin, escaped from the apt today. i had no idea. not until he panicked and wailed at the door. serves the fucker right for leaving. but, i thought about it. 3 and a half years ago when mark broke up with me, calvin ran away for about an hour or less. i wailed, "why does every man i love leave me. even my cat!" and tonight, i realized. he came back immediately. maybe, just maybe, this is is a symbol of how my love life is going to be.
let's call a spade a spade
i am depressed.
r.i.p. new camera
i saved up for a year and bought a thinner, newer, pink, hi res camera.
i used it precisely TWICE.
i had a cover on it at all times and a screen cover too.
yesterday, during a self photoshoot, i propped it up on a shelf. if falls off the shelf and the 3 inch screen cracks.
now i have no screen.
how do you take pictures when you cannot see what you are doing? there is not even a view finder.
so..............none of this is covered under any type of warranty.
i am fucked.
i wish there were a camera fairy who would feel the bitterness i feel at buying something less than durable. i am a technowhore. i take care of my stuff better than anyone i know. and within ONE MONTH...this fucker died.
i am sad. angry. and quite pissed. reality sucks.
tears of rage
it should not be so hard..life.
you know..when you think about it life is designed for two people to make it together in the world. tax breaks are higher for two, there are two front seats in a car. there is just enough space for two people to walk down the sidewalk. dancing is made for two. everything in life is dualing opposites of two. so, i think that what is wrong with my life is that i am doing it alone. there is no reason i should have a single income, a single apartment, a bed that barely fits two. there is no reason i should have to stress about how to pay for things or how i am going to get from the car place to the dentist. there is supposed to be someone there to help with this. there is supposed to be someone who tells me, "it is o.k. you totally freaked out today, you are going to wake up tomorrow and be fine." there is supposed to be someone who holds my hands, kisses away my tears. and the reason that there is NOTHING in my life is because i am here alone. fighting to be seen, heard, loved. well i just don't have a single fight left in me anymore. i give up...life. you won. game over. now there is one less person to worry about.
i wish i could say
i am done. i am over it.
instead i feel...
I HATE YOU.
SCREW YOU YOU COCKSUCKER.
yep. that is how i feel. so take that.
i sent in two of my applications for nursing school. one of them was back in jan. the other was just this month.
i have two more to get finished up this week.
then i will wait more.
i just wanna know where i am going to be in 6 months.
i am stressed.
all good things come to an end someday
so my fantastic water polo team is basically falling apart at the end of this season.
bekka and megan are not sure if they want to plan anymore.
dannon is going to boston university of law.
mike is not sure because the team is not sure.
and we already lost cassie, sarah, ez, and jason.
the legacy is almost over and i feel really effin sad about it.
after my list yesterday i thought it important for a follow up:
1. did not get test taken as i had a migraine headache. but i did do the following:
finished washing clothes and put the majority of them away
went to bank
went to dentist
rabbit cage cleaned
so...not bad but not what i wanted to accomplish.
on saturday i have a hair appointment and i am taking my test.
then i will feel settled. sigh. i wish i did not have plans to go to knotts on thursday. i want a day off. sad...
Things to do...
i wonder how much of this i can accomplish in the next few days:
1. take accuplacer math exam
4. dry clothes that are currently unable to be dried because oh yeah...our driers shut down at 10 p.m. automatically.
5. pay for the cal st. san marcos app
6. send transcripts to cal st. san marcos
7. wash car
8. oil change
9. rabbit cage
10. call nyu and make sure both letters ended up there.
11. hair appointment
sigh. so far that is what i can come up with. i feel like i am wasting time sitting here but there is really only 2 things i can do on that list. i wish i did not have school tomorrow. i could get most of it done. sigh sigh. i need 2 colleens.
three years ago this april...he left and broke my heart. i remember feeling like i was in a dream. the one solid object i still had to remind me of him was his toothbrush. a few months passed and he asked me, "can i come down to visit u?" and then, "do you still have my toothbrush or do i need to pack mine?" strangely, it was valentine's week. and in an angry fit, i decided to clean the fish bowl with his toothbrush 3 days before he asked this of me.
three years..turns to three lovers....turns to exactly three weeks ago.
he came into my life but for one night. and i said, "i just went to the dentist...you wanna use my new toothbrush?"
it was a gesture to a stranger whom i had known three hours but felt like i had known a lifetime.
he took my offer. he left. and three weeks later i stare at what i have left. his toothbrush. and i think to myself...do i keep it? because i don't have a fish bowl to clean anymore.
somewhere inside me, i want to tempt fate. i feel like if i discard it, i will discard a piece of my heart. and then somehow, he will return.
most of the time
i really love living alone. i love being super clean or a total mess depending on my mood. i love that my cats look forward to my arrival and hate my departure. i love having people over without having to justify. i love the peace and quiet. i love being here.
except....when i am sick. and then, i just want my mom. i felt like i was dying last night from the flu. and i was so dizzy i was barely able to get up. but my internal nurse colleen kept telling me not to dehydrate. and deep down, i laid there thinking of babe in the movie "babe" saying, "i want my moooom." and that is how i felt.
i miss you mom.
i have been sleeping like crap lately. i have had 3 nights of being up till 4 a.m. and then having to wake up a few hours later for work. last night, i fell asleep around 12:45 and woke up at almost 12. that is all well and good. I am catching up right? Except, i feel like shit. I feel like i slept too much. I wasted my whole day. I have a headache. I just want to go to bed at 10 and wake up at 9...and be NORMAL. Ugh. This sucks.
god damn the metronome
when my grandpa was in his eighties, he told me, "no one is going to show up at my funeral because they are all dying before me. soon, i will have no friends left." i feel like this. i am 32 and i feel like my friends are dropping like flies. not to death but to long term, live in, or more significant relationships. if we were playing a childhood game, i would win for being the last one standing. it is strange, how you go through life with the rents telling you how you will "meet the one" in college. jesus i have spent half of my twenties and ALL of my thirties in college again and let me tell you...no one has jumped into my arms or bending on one knee. although, i really don't blame college. i blame my parents. why would they set me up to believe such lies? i think, that perhaps, i am going to be like my mom's good friend, sharon dudley. never married, well educated, totally adorable, world traveler, animal lover...and 100 percent never married. and the funny thing is they have that expression, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." i am not even a bridesmaid or maid of honor extroidinaire. there is this "sex in the city" episode that talks about how single people are a threat to the institution of marriage. i think it is so. it seems that suddenly the couples drift off to coupledome and i am left finding younger friends who are not institutionalized by marriage. i feel like an angry, cranky old hag. and if someone else says to me, "oh don't worry. you will find someone when you are not looking," i will straight up ring their neck. haters. you don't have a right to tell me when i will find someone. gr. i am cranky.